Comics in need of relief

Hats off to Comic Relief for inspiring celebrity fools to raise money for them by tricking their foolish celebrity brains into thinking walking up Mt Kilimanjaro was a sort of celebrity health farm docu soap drama those foolish celebrity fools who think they're celebrities.(some are)
If I were starving in Africa would I want help from money raised by Chris Moyles and Cheryl Cole or would I just rather have the food that Moyles had to stop eating to get his enormous, overpaid, egotistical ass up a moderately steep hill in the first place or the surplus of food that Cheryl should be eating but obviously doesn't to keep Ashley from willy wandering when her backs turned. Seriously Cheryl the moment you arrived at base camp he's probably been on that ginger one out of your band the first chance he got and you know a ginge can't turn down the chance of a shag, they're only allowed one every five years by law whilst of childbearing age to keep the numbers down. It's either that or back to the days of touring freak shows.
Anyway point is give me the food and don't interrupt my Friday night episode of Not Going Out with the very talented comedian Lee Mack in a sitcom he partly writes sometimes, that's what I would say if I was a starving African who receives Friday night BBC television and was a fan of gag heavy, plot light, so so sitcoms with an occasionally amusing northern comedian with partial writing credit (Time Vine does a good job as his straight man). I'm not starving or even African however so for the record do what you like and in closing bring back ginger freak shows as long as the money goes to good causes.

I have in the spirit of charity offered to write direct and star in a short film for Comic Relief along with Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross and the lovely Fearne Cotton and am seeking sponsorship for the project which currently goes under the working title " 3 Men and their Gravy". If successful I feel positive Fearne would turn out to be this years biggest provider of comic relief even though she has a face like an attractive plate.

A Theory of Human Motivation (abridged)

Love me , Love thyself (often)


Abraham Maslows "famous" and oft discussed ( seriously I got stuck in a pub between two plum gobblers lapping this up like it was Jesus's dribbling love nectar ) hierarchy of human needs states in a rather crude and shortsighted way that as humans meet basic needs they will move on to higher needs until reaching self actualization - well duh!!

Nobody said it better than Frederick Herzberg who was often heard shouting in the Lamb & Flag pub in Droitwich on Sunday lunchtimes " Maslow can chew on my wrinkly fat bum grapes if he thinks even the most severly lobotomized crack addict would wipe the crusty residue from their fetid arsehole on any of his fictional crazings." He has also been quoted saying as " Maslow is a woofter and I could easily have him and his mates in a fight, one at a time or all together."

Maslow himself has been keeping a suspiciously low profile and when chased for comment on his contentious work was "unavailable." He was last sighted at a spot he had discovered which he said was the perfect size to rest his enormous bloated head - his own arse , which he promptly disappeared up.

Scrotal Pun Fun

I did consider having a vasectomy until I realised what a vas deferens it would make to my sex life.

Monkey Stock Market

Ruperts mochachino was cold for the second day running. Somebodys ass was going to get fired.

Rupert was a dilligent little chimpanzee with aspirations of becoming one of the hot shots on the jungle stock exchanges trading floor. Of course it's tough to get noticed when all you have to deal in are bananas and the only way to trade is by flinging your own faeces at the other go getting primates but he stuck at it knowing one day that big break would come his way.
Benjamin and Sebastian two up and coming young orangutans were fast climbing their way to the top of the hairy assed stockbrokers ladder, mostly due to their long powerful arms making them well adapted to chucking crap really hard. Most of their crap seemed to find Rupert and he was finding it difficult to stand out from the crowd. Being a clever little chimp though Rupert had diversified his portfolio and as well as bananas he had set up several offshore accounts to deal in nuts, berries and the twigs that gorillas like to pick their teeth and scratch their arses with.
One day Ruperts big chance arrived - the big crash of 98 or yellow turning black and mushy Thursday as it came to be known.
Paul Gascoigne the cheeky/depressed/knockabout/alcoholic former footballer was on an expedition in the area tracing his ethnic heritage when he got a bit peckish and ate half the years banana crop, drank some Malibu and set fire to the other half whilst lighting his own farts. Needless to say the simian stockbrokers were ruined apart from Rupert who immediately pushed the prices of berries, nuts and twigs through the roof and made an absolute killing.
Rupert now employs six floor workers of his own to throw turds for him and strangely Benjamin and Sebastian seem to take the brunt of it.
So work hard little monkeys and one day you too may be able to avoid the shit life throws at you on a daily basis whilst dumping on others from a great height. Revolution through evolution, monkey commerce for everyone.

ATTENTION SCUM!

If you only read one book in your life...I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.

The League Against Tedium.

Alfred the great.

Regular visitors will be aware that I lead a varied and exotic lifestyle that brings me into regular contact with many wonderful beings and a myriad of violent situations. Imagine then how strange it was for me to spend last Saturday in an everyday, normal and totally uneventful way just enjoying some time out with an old friend.

When I met up with Alfred he was sat enjoying the sun, being as it was a beautifully hot and sunny day we soon decided on a refreshing dip to cool us down and we larked about splashing each other and diving under water. Famished after our exertions we soon conjured up an impromptu picnic in the park before heading into town to catch a flick at the megaplex.The film was in 3D and I must say Alfred looked rather ridiculous in his coloured cardboard specs though I suppose it was the same for all of us. In the evening we hit the town and all eyes were fixed upon us as we strutted our funky stuff in the discotheque showing all the bright young things how well we shake our booty.

A short taxi ride back to Alfreds heralded the end of a wonderful day, although we came back alone we could have had our pick of the ladies as we were attracting admiring glances all day and night.

I said goodnight to Alfred and patted his soft feathery head as he looked up at me over the top of his bill with those watery black eyes he has. He quacked a goodnight in return and swam off to the opposite bank of the pond as I made myself comfy on the bench under a copy of my favourite newspaper The Guardian.
So there you have it many more mundane outings like that and I shall have nothing to write about.

I suppose there's always the meths.

Living with Roland

Hello,UB40,Yeah you are crap though arent ya.Yeah.

Oi Oi grave robbers.Dave Deacon here,what's the tax on a packet of Blackjacks these days? Tell me that and stay fashionable you charmless ladyboys.Enough of the chit chat let's get down on it like a kinky spider in a Nancy Sinatra boutique.
UB40 once infamously sang(well I say "infamouly sang",what I mean is gargled a four minute piece of shit but manners prevent me)There's a rat in ma kitchen what am I gonna do? I have no information on what they actually did about their pest control problem but it probably involved playing it some of their pale watered down reggae stylings until its rodent brain dribbled out of its ears rather than suffer another chorus of Red red bleedin wine,but I'll tell you what I did when Moley and Mr Toads best mate came round to my gaffe.Firstly I didnt want to tie up the furry little rascal,that to me seemed a tad cruel but on the other hand I didnt want it running off and pissing in the breadbin again so I cut its feet off. The look of shock,pain and vulnerability that swept across its small soft features was too much for me to bear looking at,so I cut its head off and nailed it to the front door as a warning to other vermin in the area. This then created the double whammy of keeping away rats,mice and npower reps but also the milkman who thinks I'm some sort of nutter. Now my coco pops are choking for a drop of semi skimmed cow squeezings but I'm having to milk surprised houseflies just to soften em up a bit(the coco pops not the houseflies,theyre just glad of the attention).Still swings and roundabouts I suppose,be lucky you hairy poptarts.Oi oi.

Breakfast with Bambi

Breakfast needn't be deer

Whilst tucking into a wholesome and hearty full english breakfast(eggs,bacon,sausage,tweed etc)I heard a distinct rustling coming from among the black puddings.I gingerly probed my puddings(oo-er madam)and to my utter delight discovered a tiny but perfectly formed baby deer feasting hungrily upon the warm carcass of a baked bean.
Though understandably cautious at first,after a little encouragement she(for the wee creature was tastefully garbed in a stripey boob tube and silver hot pants)was soon coaxed into playing,and jumped and squealed with delight as I flicked her bean this way and that.Once fully revealed from the shelter of hash browns and fried slice she noticeably relaxed and for the first time I could fully appreciate this tiny marvel in all its glory.It also gave me the perfect opportunity to run her through with my fork,smother her in brown sauce and pop her little basted body in my salivating shoutyhole,delicious.
You can't beat the taste of free range produce,so fight the cruelty of factory farming and give those young animals the quality of life and the seasoning they richly deserve.

The bartender and the thief.

And turn up the heating would you.

I was in a bar on Saturday night when a surly looking gent(portly,smoking a dog turd,sporting a hairy facecake and wearing a ridiculous hat in an antisocial way)made his way to the bar and ordered a glass of tapwater.Now this was a public house,an establishment that sells drinks in order to stay in business and I felt it my civic duty to tackle the curmudgeon on his lack of social graces.
"Good evening stout fellow"said I not wishing to be rude in case the poor chap had medical reasons for acting the shit(he could have a dose of the pox or more probably gout).I swiftly became engulfed in a fog of smoke so dense and noxious it were as if a dutch frog had just farted his way through the first three verses of eine kleine nachtmusik before spontaneously combustulising.
Unperturbed I carried on."Look here you mangy cur this really isnt on.Would you enter a chip shop just to use the condiments or utilise the newsagents as a personal reading room?"
"Yep,so what.They're there to provide a service.If these serfs dont like it they can kiss my pimpled and flabby old cracksack.Anyway you dont have to drink to have a good time."came the suprisingly articulate reply from the Bluto-esque profit snatcher.
As is my way I had raised the volume of the conversation to just the right level so Mr Batterfingers the owner of the local chip shop and Mr Topshelf our newsagent could hear every word and they were making their way over with some haste and purpose being joined on the way by Mr Twoparts the landlord of the pub,which by way of coincidence was called The Fat Gits Comeuppance.
"You certainly dont have to drink to have a good time"said I"But I find it does often help to soften the blow."
"What blow?"he said with remarkable comic timing.
I finished my flagon of Old Cloudys Somewhat Perculiar ABV 43% and dwelled upon the thought that when finally he did come round in the hospital the bloaty soap dodger would see it as a stroke of good fortune,free food,drink,heat and light,heaven for someone such as he.
Hog heaven.

Cher asks the questions.

GYPSIES-Tramps and thieves?

A Complete load of Warlocks.

In the latest move by large scale employers to dip into the cheap labour market B&Q announced it was to begin taking on mythical creatures across stores nationwide.A spokesman for the store stated "After successful trials we find employing fantastical beasts ideal in the competitive market today.Contrary to popular belief goblins steal very few children and eat only a small proportion of those they cant sell on to the witches,who by the way have been a revelation on the paint mixing machine.And since we began using trolls as security guards thefts are down ninety percent although we believe the other ten percent can be traced back to an HR error whereby dwarves were wrongly placed in the garden tools department."

It has not all been plain sailing though with some of the fairytale folk speaking out and accusing the diy store of using scare tactics to bully employees.An imp running the wallpaper section of one shop told us"I asked about the pension scheme and double time on bank holidays.They said I was a troublemaker and if I didn't return to work immediately they would stop believing in me."

Homebase reacted to the news by invoking a hidden clause in its existing employees contracts whereby they must submit themselves to the experiments of a "mad" professor.Homebase claim its improved workforce each with four arms,four legs but still one head will double productivity whilst halving the wage bill.

Bert Trampoline store manager of Focus do it all Lambeth said on hearing the latest developments "If you come round ere one more time talkin shit and not buyin nuffin I'm gonna cut ya,understaaaand."

Bad hair day.

I'll never drink scrumpy again

Friday 19 May.

Ow ooh Christ thats a serious headache what the hell was I drinking last night I havent felt this rough since I drank diesel at a farmhands dinner and dance and then I woke up with a cow on my face and every time I exhaled its udders inflated.Shit 8:15 I'm going to be late for work get up,get up.Right into the shower ooh hot hot ahh thats better hmm nose feels a bit lumpy and my ears seem swollen I hope I didnt get into any fights last night.Okay thats enough out we're running late get dry and on with the old suit and tie.
8:30 not bad might even make it on time if I skip brekkie,eurgh got to brush my teeth my mouth tastes like I've been giving oral love to a menstruating badger.C'mon,c'mon come out of the tube you little bastard I know your in there just jump onto the brush and we are on our way.
What the fuck is that.Oh shit not today no,I've got the head of a sodding elephant again well this is great just what I need thank you god,thank you very much you bloody poo hole I bet Jesus never woke up after the last supper with the features of a pachyderm.Perhaps they wont notice it's casual Friday after all,twat of course they'll notice you've got an elephants head you daft prick it's not like an unsightly pimple,you're holding your toothbrush with your nose for christs sake.I've got to go if I call in sick they'll sack me for sure just stay calm breath deeply thats better.I'll make something up say somebody must have spiked my drink or something yeah that'll work just act really offended if someone draws attention to it like "thanks very much if it wasnt hard enough having large features without people like you mentioning it all the time"shame them into an apology yeah this could really work in my favour,think positive that's the key.
9:05 Five minutes late not bad considering the wind resistence on the bike.Nice and cool everythings normal yes nice and oh "Good morning","Hello","You know what they say big ears big.."easy,easy dont get cocky nearly at your desk.I do not believe it yes,yes get in there I am saved,Geoff from accounts has got a baboons arse for a face no one will give me a second glance now thank you lord sorry about earlier you know bad day and all that."Sorry I dont care if Geoff has got a cold he's not borrowing my hanky"bloody do gooders."Oi Geoff,how's it going shitface"ha ha great days.Roll on 5 o clock.

The Top Ten.

The ten things I hate about my old pc

1:The p button keeps getting stuck.

2: the time it takes to pppppppppppppppppppppppp
pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
ppppppppppppppppfuck itppppppppppppppppppppppppp
pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
pppppppppppppppppppppppppbollocks.

ANT RAP

Back in their 80's heyday

Ants are generally percieved as industrious,hardworking & efficient communities a bit like Tokyo on speed or the Borg.The reality couldnt be more different.
Those long lines you see them in all through the forest thats the queue to scratch on down the social.The big ant in the centre of the nest laying eggs all day isn't the Queen she's just a single mum with the TV remote.The reason that she's so big is the lazy bitch hasn't moved her fat arse off the sofa for three months she's just sat there watching daytime telly and eating crisps.When you see three or four ants defending the nest against an attacking beetle the truth is they've asked him back when the pub shut with the lure of an after hours piss up and then mugged him.It's not uncommon these days to see four ants astride a knackered old ladybird its wings aglow with cheap neon strip lights cruising around listening to gangsta wasp rap at full volume whilst making obscene gestures at passing mayflies.
So the lowdown on ants nests is they're the insects worlds council estates.If you have to drive through one at night keep all your doors and windows locked and if a bloodied and battered beetle hammers on the windscreen begging to be let in put your foot down,it aint worth the aggro.

A quick withdrawal

Scum of the earth

Typical.There I am in the bank waiting in line to deposit the months adsense takings(6 cents,nice one google)when just my luck a gang of east end s&m rabbits rampage through the doorway armed to the buck teeth and looking like they've escaped from a gimp testing laboratory.(A standard gimp license costs $30 and must be renewed every 3 years or mistress says there will be consequences)
"Give us the money and no funny business" squeaked one of the hairy rascals.A clown who was sitting in the corner writing a cheque began to sob and then blew his large red nose into an oversize polka dot handkerchief,theres always someone worse off than yourself eh.
"What do want money for?You have'nt even got any pockets for loose change!"I said to the head rabbit who'd been looking at me like I was his bitch.Truth is he was the bitch and I was the Daddy,yeah the Mother Daddy,I was the Mother Daddy bitch keeper and he knew it and if he didn't know it he soon would the well kept bank robbing bunny bitch.A large leather studded satchel slid across the floor and came to rest at my feet."For lipstick and cigarettes mouthy,it's amazing what you can get addicted to these days.Now give the bag to the cashier and dont anybody try anything stupid!"A retard who'd wandered in by mistake and was until recently trying to purchase a loaf and four chocolate eclairs from the bureau de change began to look very uneasy.
I picked up the bag and took it over to the cashier.I was already planning a move to take these light fingered lettuce lovers down,that's right mess with me and I'll serve you up a three course meal of pain.A chinese burn for starters,paper cut for main course and for desert if I can get a few friends together the bumps,ow believe it baby,step back I am the pain machine so watch your ass.The bag full I returned it to the carrot munching mastermind."Right were off,have a nice day and no-one try anything clever ok."
"Bollocks"said Stephen Hawking who was in sorting out a direct debit.
I was just about to make my move when WHAM,a truck carrying make up and Malboros came crashing through the doors and slammed into the fleeing furry felons.Oh the blood,the screams and the twisted irony of it all.A little bit of what you fancy does you good but a truckload of the shit will kill you every time,at least that's what Nan always said until we sealed her up under the stairs.Sorry Nanna but if it's any consolation you were right.
The driver(a chainsmoking transvestite)was pulled from the wreckage and quite rightly held aloft as the hero of the hour yet I couldnt help thinking that if you or I were to dress a half a dozen rabbits in studded leather,tie them to the front of a car and ram raid a bank we'd probably get three years.
The worlds gone mad.

PS3,XBOX360,NINTENDO REVOLUTION OR TOASTER 3000?

The future of home entertainment.

Fed up with the console wars?Cant decide which next gen machine to spend your hard earned cash on?Its time to think outside the box and take a look at the new TOASTER 3000.
No set up nightmares,no bulky add ons and no hassle trying to free up more space under the tv.Toaster 3000 comes out of the box,plugs straight in and your ready to go.Stop paying $$ for the latest games all this baby needs is a loaf and you've hours of fun for next to nothing and talk about future proof no need to update ever.
The kids will be transfixed as they play guess when it pops up,How long until it burns or the family favourite hamster sunbed.(Hamster not included)
It comes in a sleek aluminium housing with fully adjustable dial and the latest 3D EXI power tower heating element and all for a fraction of the cost of these other less versatile machines.
So its time to move to a console thats truly family orientated and the only choice you'll have to make is will it be white or brown today.

STOP PRESS:Amazing new peripheral coming soon.Bring your muffins,croissants etc to slightly above room temperature with the Bagel Rack 3001 add on and let the good times roll.

Churlish quotes.

Well hello there.

"Dont get me wrong I like the French I really do but they give me such terrible wind."...Tony Blair at a recent G8 conference.

Welcome to Sheppey.

Smell that country air.

Welcome to the Isle of Sheppey,a place akin to being the never mentioned mongrel brother of the Isle of Wight.If you've never been before you're in for a real treat-80'000 Londoners every summer can't be wrong(rude,stupid and oblivious but never wrong,just ask them.)
For a soundbite of what Sheppey has to offer no-one has summed it up better than local MP and Vacant Expression magazines man of the year Eric Diretwat when he said"Where?".
Why not come and stay on one of our well appointed caravan sites(pictured above)or shanty towns well within choking distance of local sites of disinterest such as the historic steel mill.Still in use today and very handily located on the edge of the highly populated Sheerness town centre,not hidden away from view as some more shortsighted councils and planners would have done-fools.
The island as a whole and Sheerness in particular are making great strides toward giving something back to Britain and are leading the way in unemployment,drugs offences and over the past couple of years have contributed tirelessly towards the national murder rate statistics-no easy achievement.
Leysdown is the holiday hotspot of the island and not a generic description of the young ladies of the area as many visitors seem to believe.Located in the bottom corner it is affectionately known to islanders as "the arsehole end"due to the amount of shite that ends up there and a title claimed famously in a narrow vote recount from Rushenden the previous holder.
For the youth of the area there are many chav magnets(you may know them as public benches)located outside off licenses,shops and takeaways guaranteeing a spot of ritual abuse and intimidation for any lucky passer by.
For developers Sheppey has a pioneering approach to help make the most of the many greenfield sites.Despite lacking many basic ammenities and services building continues apace and should something as trivial as a pre agreed restriction stand in the way of a big fat profit local government will happily tear it up and probably give them a subsidy for the trouble.
So come to Sheppey,a mass of oppurtunity for anyone-who doesnt actually live there.

For all the surreal writings I have posted this is easily the most non fictional work I have written,proof indeed that truth is stranger than fiction.Hush now I hear the soft scrabbling of stoat claws,ready the stickle bricks.(see early churlish post,Less a place more a state of mind)

Dont forget to order the exclusive Welcome to Sheppey merchandise including t-shirts,badges and stickers from the churlish shop.Just follow the churlish merchandise link on the right of this page to be on the frontline of fatalistic fashion.

A step up in class.

Essential for attracting filthy beasts


As I awoke this morning to find myself covered in vomit and surrounded by the bodies of my sworn enemy the devious and sexually potent marmoset a thought permeated the brainpan neath my misty mindscape,Monday nights are getting a bit routine.Next week I shall have to spice things up a bit or risk getting stuck in a rut.So I crawled crablike out of my palatial wigwam/traffic cone and caught a lift into town by flagging down a passing chaffinch named Simon.Quid pro quo,a ride for a mention on the blog-job done my feathered maestro of shallow orbit.
First on the list was to obtain a snappy outfit from the local boutiquery.A platform shoe,moleskin codpiece and burberry cap ensemble seemed to fit the bill as I would need to blend in with the local wildlife and I must admit left me feeling rather dapper.Next I dropped into the local shaftmakers to purchase a stout oaken rod which I believe will be essential for this particular pursuit.Finally the travel agents(local naturally)to book a seat on the hovercraft which will ferry me to my exotic destination.I feel sure by now you will have guessed that I am soon to join the ranks of the Canvey Island Pig Pokers,a society gaining steadily in popularity due to the sterling work of the many websites dedicated to the sport.So come on down and join me as I stride along the boulevarde in my elevated pumps,stroking my furry sack blanket whilst swinging my big stick to and fro in time to the traditional mantra "Alwight darlin,d'ya fancy a bit o that then!".Apparentley the pigs show no fear or apprehension towards the hunting garb and practically trample you for the chance of a stiff poking.Never fear for I am a man of great stamina and providing my weapon remains firm I shall poke as many pigs as I can for as long as I possibly can,I will not go down without a fight!
Next Monday cannot come quickly enough,the marmosets have had a lucky reprieve...for now.

A Hairy Genius!

Monkey poet?

Ian Brown the former Stone Roses frontman once sang the immortal words "if dolphins were monkeys" which is all well and good if a little lazy in the lyric department.
What if everyone adopted his simian faced approach to songsmithery then where would we be. I'll tell you where,surrounded by countless tunes like "if toasters were puffins" and "if cup cakes were tent pegs" or even "if warheads were crayons".Actually that last ones not bad I could use that,this songwritings a piece of piss,thanks Mr Brown you inept indie pop primate.Now where did I put that obscure 70's disco sample and my bag of hard drugs.Aha there they are,to the charts Batman and dont spare the bitches.