Chav soup

First take as many chavs from your local fast food restaurant or trading estate car park as you can fit in a large pot(a skip will do),cover generously with water and boil until satisfied.
If your chavs are plain and unpalatable(which invariably they will be)try adding a sprig of rosemary.
Remember to wash your chavs thoroughly as due to their environment they will be filthy and distasteful at best.

Next time - Chav kebab.Clue:step 1:Take two pool cues...

Invasion force otter

OTTERS PLOTTING

Not many people know because I keep it very low key but I work part time at the local hospital as a charity pharmacist.No formal qualifications,but I prescribe purely locket based remedies-honey & lemon for minor burns,blackcurrant for head wounds and cherry for HRT(if your wife comes home smelling of cherries your in for a rough time squire).
On my way home one misty November night suddenly I felt the hairs on the back of my arse stand on end,DANGER.My arse based hunch had been spot on,as I turned and looked to the skies"behold"I was being circled by a black pulsating cloud of vengeful otters.(They had never forgiven me for the time I borrowed their copy of the Dimbleby lectures on vhs and taped Ready Steady Cook over the end-Ainsley was doing a crumble-TV gold).
Before I could run,the soggy brown bastards swooped down upon me,their evil otter eyes met mine and I tell you there was murder in those tiny black peepers that night,murder and possibly buggery,otters being notorious bummers.
Quick as a flash I performed an orchestral manoeuvre in the dark and scooped them up in my topshop holdall and with a victorious warcry of "Tarka you slag" I chucked them in the canal sending them to a watery and ironic doom.
So if you fear the otter,get yourself down to topshop and tell them your pharmacist sent you.
Oh,extra strong menthol is good for most types of cancer,use wisely mind you,too many can cause your knees to fall off...you have been warned.