The bartender and the thief.

And turn up the heating would you.

I was in a bar on Saturday night when a surly looking gent(portly,smoking a dog turd,sporting a hairy facecake and wearing a ridiculous hat in an antisocial way)made his way to the bar and ordered a glass of tapwater.Now this was a public house,an establishment that sells drinks in order to stay in business and I felt it my civic duty to tackle the curmudgeon on his lack of social graces.
"Good evening stout fellow"said I not wishing to be rude in case the poor chap had medical reasons for acting the shit(he could have a dose of the pox or more probably gout).I swiftly became engulfed in a fog of smoke so dense and noxious it were as if a dutch frog had just farted his way through the first three verses of eine kleine nachtmusik before spontaneously combustulising.
Unperturbed I carried on."Look here you mangy cur this really isnt on.Would you enter a chip shop just to use the condiments or utilise the newsagents as a personal reading room?"
"Yep,so what.They're there to provide a service.If these serfs dont like it they can kiss my pimpled and flabby old cracksack.Anyway you dont have to drink to have a good time."came the suprisingly articulate reply from the Bluto-esque profit snatcher.
As is my way I had raised the volume of the conversation to just the right level so Mr Batterfingers the owner of the local chip shop and Mr Topshelf our newsagent could hear every word and they were making their way over with some haste and purpose being joined on the way by Mr Twoparts the landlord of the pub,which by way of coincidence was called The Fat Gits Comeuppance.
"You certainly dont have to drink to have a good time"said I"But I find it does often help to soften the blow."
"What blow?"he said with remarkable comic timing.
I finished my flagon of Old Cloudys Somewhat Perculiar ABV 43% and dwelled upon the thought that when finally he did come round in the hospital the bloaty soap dodger would see it as a stroke of good fortune,free food,drink,heat and light,heaven for someone such as he.
Hog heaven.