Easy does it.

The new Swiss designed butt-plug was a real eye opener.

The Methylated Detective

The Usual Suspects

It was a crisp clear night in Lower Felching.Percival Gent local down and out wiped the new formed dew from the end of his hooked nose and took another large swill from the brown bag he had been cradling in his lap as if it were his first born.His free hand fell limply to the furry overripe pile beside him and his fingers rubbed deeply provoking no reaction save to hasten for a moment the trickling juices that ran down to the canal.The fact Flash had not moved of his own accord for the last 2 months was entirely lost on Percival,he'd had that cocker spaniel since he was a week old and he'd be damned if his death would get in the way of their friendship or their partnership for that matter.They had until recently the most successful vegetable detective agency in Lower Felching,it had been they who had solved the case of the murderous marrow and the beetroot burglar would still be at large were it not for he and Flash,not to mention the parsnip pervert and his gang of stalking sprouts.The dream though had ended the night Flash fell victim to their own success.
They had been celebrating putting paid to the evil doings of a butternut squash with a history of violence with their customary half of meths when out of nowhere BANG,a hit and run,obviously a contract killing no doubt due to the amount of fresh produce they had put away lately.The truck had caught Percival a glancing blow and he immediately gave chase though Flash didnt seem as fleet of foot as usual in fact he was really dragging his paws.The truck sped on its tail lights gradually dissappearing into the misty night air.Incensed by Flash's apparent lack of motivation Percival turned and planted his size 10 firmly into Flash's doggy danglers,it was then he noticed they were a lot flatter than usual.Percival his world turned upside down in an instant looked to the heavens,with arms raised aloft and hot tears streaming down his rosy cheeks he let out a piercing and terrible cry of vengence."Yous all bastahs,I'll feckin see you alreet dont yous worry".He slumped to the ground exhausted,partly due to the evenings rollercoaster ride of emotion and physicality and partly due to being as pissed as a rubber spanner.
Tonight though everything would come full circle,wrongs would be righted and sentence passed,for lady vengence would come calling wearing her high heeled deathboots and spoiling for a ruck.
Percival knew who had been driving the truck that night.There was only one villain stupid enough to take on a job like that.A dumb low life of a pumpkin known only to the locals as Mr Orange.That was why Percival was here tonight at the canal,it was the perfect place to stakeout the allotments.He knew if he was patient Mr Orange would show his face,after all it was his patch.
It was Flash who noticed him first,having less life about him than a French deodorant factory had done nothing to dull his senses."I see him too boy"said Percival and slowly began dragging Flash closer to the allotments and final retribution.
Later Percival would have only hazy recollection of the events that unfolded that night,though one memory would remain forever,that of Flash whirling heroically ever faster round and round his head on the end of his lead before smashing groundwards again and again until pumpkin and dog became one in a mushy orgy of balletic violence.What would always puzzle him however was how the police came to find him inserted into an aubergine whilst dancing the lambada around the cauliflower beds singing we are the champions.That had been sloppy,sloppy and unprofessional.
Upon his release from Lower Felchings overcrowded mental institution Percival would solve many more veg based mysteries and drink many more gallons of meths but it would never again taste as sweet as it did with Flash.