Leave it ahht.

Wot you fackin starin at




I'm Reg Purvis and I work as the hard shelled aquatic enforcer for the coastal underworld that runs from Whitstable all the way to Herne Bay,(thats a lot of ground to cover sideways)any pissing about on my patch and I'll cut ya you toerag.
Just dis past week I've had to rough up a bream,kneecap a prawn who woz late wiv is payments and give a cheeky mussel a dry slap for avin too much lip(not easy given my sea bed surroundings.)
The worst job by a fackin mile woz avin to sort ahht a local fiddler crab(nonce of course,they all are).He'd been totally Bertie Bassett-up to all sorts hur hur-flashing schools of sardines,touching young shrimp and worst of all trawling the net for cod roe to groom,an example needed to be made.
Lookin back on it now hangin woz probably not the best option.Though the drawbacks of an underwater lynching seem obvious now,thats nuffin compared to where do ya put the noose(no neck see).The thing is it's gettin embarrasin,he's out there now bobbin about with a rope round his eyeballs waving at passing sturgeon.If he aint dead of starvation by Thursday I'm gonna ave to shoot the bastard or my reputations gone down the shitter.
It's not all champagne and roses.

Taken from the forthcoming biography "Reg Purvis:Confessions of a gangland crab",out Monday priced 10 squid-Get in.