Santa versus the Union

THIS BLOKES LOADED...MENTAL

Oi,Oi.Dave Deacon belisha beacon here.The Essex cat with the flashing hat.If it's tales of excitement your after you've come to the right place coz this is the gravy oh yes my son so dip in your bread,thats right,soak it up now wipe your chin you messy twat.Only joking I like you your alright your a geezer your a diamond but cross me and I'll gut you like a herring thats been stood up on his wedding day coz his fiancee's too busy shagging the best mackerel in the back of some sea shell type limousine being pulled along the ocean floor by four tiny suited molluscs who are working cash in hand(cheeky).
What was I saying,thats right gnomes.It's a little known fact that gnomes have done alright for themselves.They used to make the toys for Santa but the little bleeders got greedy,more pay,longer holidays you know how militant your shortarse fictional beings can be.Santa says "I'm not standing for this shit you stunted feckless fudge weasels" and being the obese,alcoholic house breaker that he is ships in a load of elves to finish the job on the cheap.Well there was merry hell to pay,picket lines,fighting,the union got involved,it was well messy but what do you do elves are scabs end of story.
It ends up in the courts and the judge lays right into Santa telling him he was bang out of order and only goes and awards the gnomes compensation for "wrongful dismissal" and "emotional damage",emotional damage do me a quaver I once saw a gnome bite the head off a pig and puke in its neck for a laugh.This ruined the fat man and to this day is the reason he now delivers the square root of sod all every 25th of December.He just sits in icy squalor upending cheap bottles of sherry in a sad attempt at tasting his former glory while Mum & Dad pick up the tab for the rotund red faced jerkoffs shortcomings.
The gnomes meanwhile they're loving it.They come over here flush with Santas final gift,they're fishing,sunbathing and buying garishly coloured hats.you must've seen em.
Now acclimatised to the British weather,winter came as a bit of a shock and they needed a warm place to stay so I'm renting out the loft for £500 a week.They love it,fishing in the water tank,making new beards from the insulation it's gnome nirvana.
I know what your thinking "Dave you must be coining it in" and you'd be right if you wasn't wrong-Ha I'm winding you up you lemon,as if.Gnomes fishing in the water tank we're combi boiler you top hat.The gnomes have got my room,I'm on the sofa.You cant turn that kind of dosh away.When good fortune comes knocking at your door kick him in the balls and steal his wallet,I've lived my life by that rule.
Laters Muppets-Flash the hat,Oi Oi.